Too many, unfortunately...
Why is it that TV commercials talk about families having "family dinner" and how it strengthens them? It gives us all a chance to talk about our day, catch up on what's going on in our children's lives. It's a time to slow down. Get back to basics...Reunite at the end of the day as a family.
And I believe in that. I buy into it lock, stock and barrel.
This was the cozy scene around my dinner table last night:
I had prepared cream potatoes, english peas and pork chops. I had given them two choices on the chops, bar-b-que or extra crispy, both shake and bake. We sat down. We prayed. Time to eat.
"What is that?" Hannah says, pointing to the meat.
"Pork chops, you'll like them, they're really good." I say, with false enthusiasm.
"I don't want that." She won't be fooled...
"Me, either." Neither will Scott.
All they have on their plates is potatoes and peas, the peas having a large pat of butter on top.
"Pick bar-b-que or crispy, you're each having a meat." Frank says, as he's scraping the crispy off his. "Paige, you might want to scrape this crust off yours." He doesn't give an explanation why. I'm pretty sure I put it on there on purpose, but apparently he thinks it was to disguise the pork chops for the children. It's high calorie and downright nasty.
For what it's worth, I like shake and bake. The kids refuse to touch it, but they dig into the potatoes.
Then Hannah refuses to eat the peas because the butter has melted and she can't see it so now she thinks they don't have any butter.
"Okay, Hannah, let's start with you, how was kindergarten today?" Frank asks with genuineenthusiasm.
"Fine."
"Any details you'd care to elaborate on?" Frank asks.
"No and I'm not eating these things." and she points at the peas.
"Yes you are or you're not getting any dessert, I don't care what Mamma says."
Hannah starts crying. Time for me to intervene, as Frank has just predicted I would:
"Frank, they're a carb, same as potatoes, it doesn't really matter." And here I am arguing that in spite of the fact that I've worked so hard to provide this meal and I'll work really hard to clean it up, I am arguing against them actually eating it.
Dinner table politics and strategy are a ridiculous mind game.
"These kids are just too spoiled..." Frank says, voice beginning to rise...
Scott, interrupting Frank, says: "No, we're not..."
Frank, now interrupting Scott "Yes, you are, do you know how much the kids in Haiti would enjoy Mamma's pork chops?"
"No, Daddy, they wouldn't enjoy them. They're nasty." Hannah adds.
"I'm enjoying them...(crust and all....)" I thought I'd interject.
"Dad, just because we don't like pork chops doesn't mean we're spoiled." Scott argues.
"Yes it does." Frank argues back.
And at this point there's a knock at our garage door. All three of them bolt up to get it causing a Flynn traffic jam in the hall and laundry room. I don't move. I'm now alone at the table. I hear a voice from the door.
"Oh, sorry, Frank, I didn't mean to interrupt dinner..." Dave, one of Frank's bicyclist buddies says. The smell of delicious shake and bake pork chops wafting through the air... "I just wanted to come by and show you my new bike rack...(recall previous post Idiot Convention... There's now a Mini Idiot Convention going on in my laundry room. Four people, crowded in there, two of them escaping family togetherness, two of them idiots. They all disappear into the garage. I eat alone.
The kids don't give a flip about a bike rack. It's 45 degrees. This is the hardship they'll endure to avoid dinner. I hear Dave's truck crank up, they all file back in and take their seats. They all have the demeanor of someone sliding into a church pew at a funeral.
And we now return to our regularly scheduled battle, I mean family meal, already in progress:
"Okay, so that was Hannah's day, (which was, ummm....nothing...) So Scott, how was your day?" Frank is back on track...
"Fine."
"And would you care to elaborate on that?"
"Not really. Dad, do I have to eat the pork chop?" At this point, Frank has put a very small piece of meat on Scott's plate. We've handed him a knife. He begins cutting it, but he has his arms all contorted, elbows are everywhere because of the incredible hardship we've put on him. Not only does he have to eat something totally disgusting he has to work for it. Oh the injustices a 13 year old must endure....
"Turn your knife around, Scott, like this." I say and I demonstrate, he follows my direction and the elbows are now magically down by his sides.
At this point, Frank's phone must have vibrated in his pocket because I didn't hear anything, but he takes it out and looks at it, then puts it back in his lap. This is a dinnertime no-no, but I let it slide. At least he didn't answer it.
"I had an okay day, up to 355 fans on my site and returned a lost poodle to her family this afternoon." I offer...not that anyone asked. "How was your day, Frank?"
And before he can answer, there is a knock on our front door, again, a mad dash by all three of them to answer it. It is the doctor from up the street, inquiring about the lost dog that I just mentioned. The kids left a note on his door, they thought it was his, he'd come to say it wasn't.
Shake and bake just getting colder and colder, it is now congealing.
Hannah's now crying because she has decided to forfeit dessert in lieu of no pork chops. Scott is choking his down, he wants dessert. This action satisfies Frank, so he moves on...
"Who wants to go to Skate Inn sometime?" Frank says to the room at large, it's a strange question.
"I do!!!!!!" Comes a small voice out of nowhere. I barely heard it. The kids didn't hear it at all, Frank didn't seem to either, I am now convinced that I am, indeed losing my mind. Damn fan site, damn blog title, karma has never been my friend....
One kid was crying, the other one was choking down pork chop (the family togetherness that is the evening meal.....) so neither answered. Frank asks the question again.
"Who wants to go to Skate Inn sometime?"
"I do!!!!!!!!" Then tiny-tinny voice says again. It's tinny, like an AM radio or something...I swear it might be a ghost.
And again, no one seemed to notice it but me, and before the kids can answer I say:
"What THE HELL is that?" Sorry for the cussword, but I am at my wits' end. If someone's gonna take my sanity, (Frank,) then I am damn well gonna put up a fight for it...
"What?" Frank says.
"Ask if anyone wants to go to Skate Inn again." I tell him.
"What?" He doesn't understand why I want him to ask the question again.
"Just do it and kids, do not answer, everybody be quiet..."
"Okay....Does anyone want to go to Skate Inn?" Frank asks, reluctantly.
"I do!!!!!!" The tiny-tinny voice says. Someone is dining with us, yet I can't see them rejecting the shake and bake. It's a roller-skating ghost.....I am, indeed, going crazy.....
Oh no I'm not.
I now realize what it is.......
"Oh. My. God. It's the idiot. Frank, you let the idiot have dinner with us?" I know the idiotcan hear me, yet I just don't care....He's the one who called over five minutes ago and Frank let him have dinner with us. Of course, he's such an idiot that he just sat there holding his phone.... listening to our kids begging not to eat....listening to me brag about my 355 fans....listening to the doctor at the door...he was probably talking as "one of us" the whole time, probably agreeing that shake and bake sucks.....we just didn't hear him until he said he wanted to go skating...FRANK KNEW THIS....THE IDIOT LOVES THE SKATE INN!!! He takes his kids there twice a week! I should've known he was in the room!
"Yeah, so?"
"GIVE ME YOUR PHONE!"
He hands it over and I snap it shut. "The Idiot" is the "King Idiot Of All Sweet Time," which is a person who also rides bicycles and motorcycles, is aggravating and doubles as both Frank's best friend and worst enemy. The Idiot and Frank the other idiot have a dangerous relationship both with each other and the telephone.
Of course....
and no, I do not make this stuff up...
unfortunately....I don't have to.
So, this concludes our family togetherness over shake and bake. Just us, a poodle-less doctor and some idiots. Family dinner just fills my heart with joy...
Shake........
and Bake...
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