Can you please just play outside? For a minute?

I am in dire need of a parental deflection device.

I've been relegated to the duty of watching my two children and the three children of our best friends today. The children range in age from five to 13. The good thing is that I can yell at their children exactly the same way I yell at mine. The bad thing is that they ignore me, just like mine.

I love all five of these children, but somehow that doesn't mean they're easy to supervise, especially in a group. Individually they're each precious, in a group they become animals. They exhibit pack-like behavior...

I've just been told that my toilet is overflowing.

I've just been told that my $120 Bose headphones and my ipod are in the yard, on the ground.

Before that I was told that there are approximately five mismatched shoes hanging in my oak tree.

Before that I was told that I'm "the world's meanest Mommy" because I won't let them swim. And my reasoning is not because it's too cold, which it is,....it's because I don't want an extra load of towels to wash today.

This group goes through towels like, well, ummm.......toilet paper.

Or yogurt cups. Or Capri Suns. Or Doritos. Or Diet Coke. Or gum.

Or my patience....

What would my parental deflection device look like? What would it be?

I keep kicking them outside and ping....one's back instantaneously. It's almost always a small one. They know I cannot deny them the bathroom or water, yet once on the inside....that's usually not what they're after...

Here is a list of things that do not work well as parental deflection devices:

Me explaining to them what a beautiful spring day it is outside.

Me making up a game for them to play outside.

Me telling them how much fun I used to have playing outside when I was a kid.

Me arming them with chalk to draw something in the driveway, which is outside.

Me reminding them of all the suitable (the word suitable being highly important) outdoor toys.

Me meeting them at the door with "what now?"

Me meeting them at the door with a dirty look on my face.

Me meeting them at the door telling them to "stay outside or else...."

Me meeting them at the door and denying them entry.

Me meeting them at the door and yelling at them.

Me meeting them at the door and threatening to call Frank.

Me locking the door.

Of course the trampoline being somewhat out of commission is not doing me any favors.

An interval of more than 15 minutes of no kid at my door means they're into something poisonous, sharp, toxic, downright deadly or just plain stupid.

Or they're throwing things down into the sewer to see what happens.

Or they're removing the top from the manhole.

Or they're setting something on fire.

Or they're ding-dong-ditching Lisa just to see how many new cusswords they can learn when she comes out chasing them.*

Nah, I'd put my money on setting something on fire, although hearing Lisa scream the "f" word has lots of kid appeal....and so does seeing all kinds of plastic toys in the bottom of the sewer.

The only thing that's considered worthy of fun or attention has always got an element of mortal danger or complete destruction to it, otherwise they'd be in my house, begging me for something that they've already begged me for, 30 minutes ago, usually along the lines of food.

Now they're all five in the pool. All five of them heard me tell them that they could not go in the pool...Now one's gotta go to the bathroom, she's dripping wet. I've denied them towels, they're gonna have to dry in the sun.

Now somebody's crying...

A argument has ensued next to the pool.

Crying is getting louder, accompanied by some yelling.

Now I have five freezing, dripping children who all need to get in the hot tub to warm up.

Better go fetch some towels...

from the yard, because they managed to sneak some out.

Oh, and while I'm out there, I better get my lawn furniture out of the street. The UPS truck just dodged it, I'm not sure how.

I have just un-stopped the toilet...

Oh, and let me just have a little meltdown real quick and dole out some discipline...

Again....I am in dire need of a parental deflection device,

a.k.a., the ability to say "no" to a child,

and a really, really strong cocktail...

*I need to add that the sewer, setting things on fire, the manhole and the ding-dong-ditch are all things that Scott usually does with his friend, Ian, thank goodness none of these were done today.

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