Today Frank and I are having one of those married days that you don’t think about when you’re planning your wedding… We are a couple in deep negotiation with each other. Although I am trying hard to be the winner, I’m not gaining much ground. Both of us have very sharp matrimonial battle skills. We are worthy adversaries…
He’s trying to get me to attend an event that I’ve attended with him for the last two years and have hated. It’s a big deal…a networking thing…a “meet and greet.“ Frank is like a movie star in this scenario and I’m, well…..not.
He has the personality of Jay Leno. Or Ryan Seacrest. Or Steve Martin.
I have the personality of a wet mop.
He works a crowd like a stripper works a pole.
I avoid a crowd…..like a…. manuscript….or taxes….or anybody with the stomach virus.
He and I are having this discussion while each of us is in the car. He is driving to an appointment and I am driving home from the gym.
As women will often do while in battle, I am pretending to be on his side while secretlyattacking him. I am going for the kill by making false promises that he and I both know I’ll never keep. The odds being 75 (a lie) / 25 (the truth), but...the promises are so good that he’s willing to take the risk.
Again.
And again.
And again….
And you know what’s a sad state of affairs? When you’ve been married so long that the promises are not even physical anymore. No, the only currency we deal in these days isfreedom. Freedom is our most valuable commodity so the trading of freedom is highly regarded and carefully executed. It's more along the lines of….I’ll give you Tuesday night and Thursday night to go ride your motorcycle after work while I get the kids fed and ready for bed….
But of course I could always throw in a massage or something, and even though he'd wager it's a lie, it's worth a try and worth the risk for him...
Either way, massage or freedom, he’s 51 years old and not falling for it the way he did ten years ago…we’re locked in battle and guess what happens?
Just guess what happens?
What’s the worst thing that can happen to you, from a strategical perspective, when you’re arguing on the phone, in the car? No, not a wreck. A slight fender bender actually puts you in a better position, it goes along the lines of “NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!” which, essentially translates to both of us as “game over, I’m the winner…” You become the winner by default. It's an unfair advantage... I know this because it’s actually happenedto us.
No, the worst thing that can happen during a phone battle in the car between spouses is….
You pass each other on the road….
Not our neighborhood road. A big road. It's a surprise....an ambush.... A mechanism of disarmament...
Passing your spouse on the road, during an argument, is the kiss of death, for one of you…
It’s “BLAH!! BLAH, BLLLAAAHH!!! BLAH BLAH, BLAHHHHH!!!! (I feel like I’m winning here…I’m about to lure him with fake bait, seduce him with lies….then all of a sudden it’s) oh HEY!There you ARE!!!!
“Oh yeah, I SEE YOU! HEY!”
“Can you see me waving? I’m waving at you, HEY!!!!” And I put the phone down and am mouthing the word “HEY!” while I wave…
“Oh yeah, I SEE YOU WAVING, I’m waving AT YOU TOO, HEYYYY!!!!” He says, waving back, smiling big, just like me….
Then I’m gone, he’s gone, I see his car vanish in the rearview mirror, I see his familiar bumper stickers disappear…yet we are both still on the phone.
It’s silent…
What am I supposed to do here? There’s no script. My mother can’t pass on her “how to win any fight against any man” advice as this is a modern problem. This wouldn’t have happened to my parents back in the 70's and '80's, nor would it happen to them now as they are horrible with cell phones and my Dad pretty much just admits defeat before a fight even starts.
It’s uncharted waters….
We re-adjust to get back into battle mode, even though we were so happy to see each other by coincidence. Clearly we must really love each other, yet I can’t let the realization of that minor technicality cost me the fight. I have to keep my priorities straight. I’ve gotta stay focused here.
This has set us both back at least ten minutes…and for me, at least five lies….
Neither of us knows what to do.
Another pause before I break the silence.
“Where’re ya headed?” I try to tread into neutral territory while I reorganize.
“Triple-A Travel to drop off a tape for their commercial.” He does the same thing, he’s reorganizing, too..
“Oh.” I buy three more seconds…
“I thought I’d ask her about cruise rates while I was in there.” Frank’s back in the war already. He regains his composure faster than I do, he doles out the first blow.
“Oh.” Now the tables are turned. Is it a lie or not? What if it’s not?
“Wow!” Is all I can say…
“Yeah, I was gonna surprise you.” A little guilt added to the lie, he’s really getting his mojo going, yet I continue to tread lightly as it may be the truth. I give it 75/25 odds, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT….
“That would be wonderful.” I’m now losing….and I know it.
“Yeah, I thought so. The kids’ll love it.” and he’s winning….and he knows it…
Silence from me as I lay my weapon on the ground. I’ve given up Tuesday and Thursday nights, am about to give up Friday night, all for a 25% chance of going on a cruise in August…he’s aware he’s won, he goes for the kill:
“So, Paige, you really don’t think you could go Friday, for me?” I detect a note of pity, as it was just too easy for him, half skill, half luck, he feels a little guilty…it's a moral dilemma...but not too much of a moral dilemma...he keeps his focus...
“I guess…” It's all I can say...
“Why don’t you go to the mall and get something new to wear.” Guilt really weighing heavily on him, he feels he has to offer a consolation prize, which I take.
“Yeah, sure, that sounds good.”
“It’ll be fun.”
“No it won’t.” He might be the winner, but nobody said I couldn’t be a sore loser.
And this battle's not over….I’ve got to come up with a new plan. I'm just reorganizing.
But not before I go to the mall and get something new to wear…
***Just a footnote to say that the one time he was involved in a fender bender during a marital negotiation, he was rear-ended at a stop light. It was not because we were, umm,negotiating. And not only was nobody hurt, his car wasn't even dented. Hell, maybe it didn't happen at all... I think I just caught him in a 75/25 lie...good lord he's good.
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